Parenting: Reducing Back-to-School Anxiety

As we enter the last month of summer, and September creeps upon us, many parents will be sending their little ones to school, and many will be sending them for the first time ever.  In most cases it's the parents that have the hardest time with this transition, but it's not uncommon for kids to experience their share of fear and anxiety regarding the first day of school. Parents of anxious kids can take a few steps to emotionally prepare their child in this last month of summer and the beginning weeks of school in order to make it the best start possible.

1. Have Discussions About School - Begin talking to your children about school and what to expect in a typical school day. Discuss the social aspects of school in addition to the academic aspects.  Talk about lunch time, recess, peers and what drop-off/pick-up will be like. Head to your local library or bookstore and select books about going to school to read during the remainder of the summer.  Talk about your own positive experiences from school. Dig up your old class pictures if you have any to add a few laughs to the discussion.

2. Check Out The School - Most school's have orientation days for new students that include a tour of the school. If your school does not offer this, call your school or district board of education and arrange for a tour of the school or a meeting with your child's teacher to establish some familiarity. At the very least, prior to the start of the school year, take a trip with your child to the school to allow him/her to see the building up close. Walk around as much of the school grounds as you can and point out areas that would be of interest to your child, such as the playground. Visit the school more than once if possible for a particularly anxious child.

3. Schedule Playtime With Future Classmates - If your child is entering school for the first time, scope out your neighborhood for potential classmates and arrange for some play time. If you are unable to find potential classmates, explain the unknown peers as a fun "surprise". Make a game out of it and have your child guess the number of boys and girls that will be in their class and the possible names of some classmates. If your child has been to school before but hasn't had contact with classmates since the summer started, invite a few school friends over for lunch or a play date. Acquainting your child with a few classmates will decrease feelings of anxiety regarding peer interactions. If you are feeling particularly ambitious, host a small "back to school" party the week before class starts.

4. Involve Your Child in Back To School Shopping - Get your child involved in school supply list shopping and other back-to-school items.  Present your child with choices on such items as backpacks, lunchboxes and clothing. Have your child help you plan out his/her lunch menu for the first few weeks. These small activities will allow your feelings a greater sense of control, which is important a child who is anxious.

5. Role Play - If your child has a particular anxiety (bullies, riding the school bus, interacting with peers, navigating a large school, etc), role play the event with your child.  For example, if your child has anxieties about riding the school bus, practice walking to the bus stop together. Have a relative or friend play bus driver and have them drive up to the bus stop. Practice saying goodbye and putting your child on the "bus."  If possible, have your friend or relative drive your child to school just like the bus would and drive back to the bus stop to practice drop off with your waiting. Coming up with a plan and brain storming coping skills for your child's fears will help him/her feel more confident when faced with the event. Practice often and problem solve potential solutions together.

6. Reward and Reassure - Reward for brave behaviors that your child exhibits. Reward for a successful first day of school. Reward your child for using the coping skills practiced. Now is the time to boost your child's mood and spirits with a special gift or outing in response to positive behaviors.

Sometimes all the planning in the world won't ease an anxious child. An anxious child may exhibit a variety of negative behaviors as the first day of school approaches including physical ailments, withdrawing, fighting with siblings, being defiant towards parents/caregivers, bed wetting, thumb sucking, and other aggressive behavior. Acknowledge that your child is engaging in these behaviors due to school related fears. Normalize your child's fears and anxieties, and encourage your child to discuss those fears and anxieties. Encouraging your child to continually and openly discuss any fears and anxieties with you serves as positive coping skill and gradually increases your child's confidence with continued parental validation and support. If there isn't a noticeable decrease in your child's school anxiety level as the school year progresses, reach out to your school's guidance counselor for additional support and resources.

A Little Moxie, A Little Mischief: Five Questions To Ask Your Kids Every Day

Life often gets busy. Housework is never ending, extracurricular activities can be all consuming, and working parents have the extra responsibilities of maintaining work obligations. No matter how busy the day gets, checking in with your kids daily should be a priority no matter what their age. Whether it's at dinner time, during nightly tuck ins or a few minutes in between homework and chores, checking in with a few short and simple questions can help you remain connected amid the chaos.  Here are 5 daily check-in questions you can ask kids of any age.


1. What was your favorite part of the day? Start with the good. Find out what made your child's day special. Don't accept "nothing" for an answer. This is an opportunity to help your child realize even the smallest of diamonds in a rough day.

2. What was difficult about today?  This opens up the conversation to discussing those less than perfect moments about your child's day. It seems the older children get, the more likely they are to keep mum about the challenges of their day. By opening up the door for your child to discuss the not so nice parts of their day, you are allowing them the opportunity to process their feelings and feel supported. This is also a great moment to brainstorm coping skills, problem solve, share a relatable story and give your child encouragement to tackle tomorrow.

3. What did you learn today? Whether it be a lesson of personal growth or intellectual growth, encourage your child to identify something interesting they learned that day. Don't stress about the simplicity of the information that is learned, it can be something as small as learning a that a new movie is coming out soon. The important thing is that YOU are learning what has caught your child's attention.  Be sure to share a tidbit that you learned during your day as well.

4. What friends did you see/talk to today? Showing an interest in your child's peer group shows that you not only care about what is happening in your child's world, but you care about the individuals that are in their world. Adolescents may remain a little more reserved on sharing information on the friend front, but if you approach the question free of friendship judgment they will be more apt to share a little more of their exclusive social interactions.

5. What are your hopes/plans for tomorrow? Engaging your child in a discussion about plans for the next day is not only practical, but encourages your child to incorporate some future minded thinking. Having your child share their plans clues you in to what they have on their plate for the next day and allows you and your child to problem solve any scheduling conflicts. If your child is the more spontaneous sort, talking about hopes for the next day will clue you in to your child's dreams and can help stimulate excitement in your child for the possibilities of tomorrow.  Ending your check-in with a question like this will also remind your child that even if the current day was not ideal, there's the potential to make tomorrow better.

A Little Moxie, A Little Mischief: What No One Tells You About Having a Kid With ADHD

As a therapist, ADHD was never in my wheelhouse. That changed the year my then 6-year-old son was diagnosed with ADHD. This diagnosis did not come as a surprise, my husband has ADHD, but it did open my eyes as a therapist, and as a mother, to the challenges kids with the diagnosis face. Challenges that go beyond the stereotypical image of a child who is easily distracted or hyperactive. There is so much more to ADHD that I have learned along my journey. Here's some of what I have learned:

My kid says "weird" things.  Kids with ADHD are often impulsive. This impulsiveness may manifest verbally. Children may blurt out things that may not make sense, or seem strange. They may even blurt out things that seem concerning.

One day my son, who was having a particularly challenging day, was in the midst of a meltdown. With a glint of rage in his eyes, he turned to me and shouted, "I'm going to blow up this house and everyone in it!" The mom side of me immediately got alarmed and wondered if I had a future psychopath on my hands. The therapist in me knew that this wasn't my sweet boy speaking, it was the impulsiveness speaking. The part of the brain that doesn't pause before blurting out whatever words are running around in his mind. Sometimes what comes out of my son's mouth is funny in a "Kids Say The Darnedest Things" kind of way. Sometimes it is so cringe-worthy, I want to dig a deep hole and hide.

What to Do:

Teach children to take a deep breath and count to 10 before talking. This encourages children to not blurt out first thoughts, and gives your child a chance to consider their words.

When you observe your child making impulsive statements, pull him aside and discuss why the statement was inappropriate or harmful. Encourage apologies for any hurtful words. Speak with your child privately, rather than address the statements in front of an audience.

The challenge of friendships. Many kids with ADHD may experience difficulties in making friends. This is often because children with ADHD are impulsive in nature and these impulsivities translate to off-putting behaviors on the playground, such as making unfiltered statements, interrupting others, displaying thoughtless behavior or creating disruptions.

When my son entered kindergarten, his uniqueness became more apparent to peers. Kids were starting to notice that my son was different. Nothing is more heartbreaking than to have your child come home and tell you that the other kids don't like him. Unfortunately, my son, although a sensitive soul, has a tendency to speak without thinking, often saying things that are hurtful. He will intrude on - and interrupt - conversations. He will disrupt a child who is quietly playing. He will walk away mid-conversation. Things that weren't as noticeable in preschool, began to raise eyebrows in elementary. My son's tendency to miss social cues will only become more noticeable with age.

What to Do:

Social skills groups are a great way to learn how to interact with peers. Check with your school or local counseling centers for age appropriate groups.

Role-play common social situations with your child. This will help ease any social anxieties and give your child the opportunity to practice appropriate interactions.

Evel Knievel has nothing on this kid. Children with ADHD can be the ultimate risk takers. Most people expect children with ADHD to be overly energetic, but most do not expect to be witness to impulsivity-driven, dangerous acts. A child with ADHD may run into traffic, climb on top of the refrigerator, hang from the second floor banister, whack a beehive with a bat - the possibilities are endless. The bigger the kids, the more dangerous things become. Teenagers with ADHD are particularly susceptible to engaging in reckless drug and alcohol use, as well as sexual activity.

When my son was still running into traffic at age five, I knew that this was way more than just typical hyperactivity. While you expect to have to use the death grip on a 2 or 3 year old in a parking lot, you don't think of an older child needing as much reminder and supervision about the dangers of moving vehicles. Or, so I thought. My son would catch the gleam of a penny or hear the bark of a lone dog in the distance and would be consumed with one thought - the thought to run towards whatever attracted his attention. He would bolt without warning into a sea of moving cars. My heart has stopped beating more times than I can count.

What to Do:

When a child displays severely dangerous activity, it is best to consult professionals. Seek specialists in ADHD. A variety of therapies are available to help decrease impulsiveness and assist in establishing safer outlets for your child's energy.

You thought nights with a newborn were bad, you ain't seen nothing yet. Children with ADHD often experience challenges "shutting off" their brain. That little mind is constantly filled with thoughts and images, and that doesn't stop just because the little hand on the clock hits 9. You may find your child is refusing to go to bed, stating that he/she is not tired, and if they do make it to bed, they are wide-awake for the majority of the night. Many kids with ADHD - those on meds AND those not on meds - experience sleep issues. For children who are on medication, stimulants are usually the culprit and decreasing or stopping the dosage will typically eliminate sleep issues. For those children not on medication, developing healthy sleep patters requires a bit more trial and error.

My son actually slept like a baby, when he was a baby. Not a peep would be heard out of him until the morning. Then somewhere around toddler-hood, a myriad of sleep issues crept in. Getting him to sleep was an exhausting experience, but only for me as he would be wide awake hours after I would drop into bed out of defeat. I would spend hours begging and pleading with him to go to bed, only to spend the majority of my night escorting him back to his room when he would wake me in the middle of the night requesting snacks, water or "something to do" because he was "bored." We finally found a rhythm that works for us, but the journey getting there was a long one.

What to Do:

Setting a routine will help define sleep expectations for your child. Set a reasonable bedtime and have a set routine for the 2 hours leading up to bedtime. Include quiet time with no electronics or stimulating activity, a warm bath, and downtime by reading a book or listening to soothing music in the routine.  Replace bright lights with warm, soft lights to create a serene sleep space.

Low self-esteem struggles. Many kids with ADHD experience low self-esteem. Kids with ADHD tend to have more academic and social struggles. At home, the symptoms associated with ADHD may lend to a tense family dynamic. An overwhelmed parent may become easily frustrated by ADHD behaviors. Children with ADHD are used to being criticized for their lack of attention, forgetfulness, poor social skills and behavior. This criticism from others quickly turns into a nasty inner critic that takes a toll on a child's self-esteem.

Being a parent of a child with ADHD is no doubt overwhelming at times. It's easy to feel frustrated when nothing seems to work to calm your wild child. Before my son was diagnosed, he struggled with an array of social, academic and behavioral challenges. The frustration my son was feeling over his lack of self-control, combined with the frustrations my husband and I were feeling over the challenges, led to a strained home environment. In the midst of all this I noticed that my son didn't seem as eager to try new things for fear of failing and didn't seem as confident. I'll never forget the day my son came to me and said, "I know everybody hates me because I always mess up. I'm dumb and I know it." Talk about a punch to the gut.

What to Do:

Take a step back and look at what you as a parent, may unintentionally be doing to feed your child's self-esteem monster. Don't compare your child to others. Recognize what your child is doing right, and stop focusing in what your child is doing wrong.

Focus on your child's strengths and involve him/her in activities that will allow him/her to excel.

Allow your child to succeed by breaking up tasks into smaller steps, simplifying goals and directions and making accomplishments attainable rather than complicated.

ADHD looks different with every child, and every child's journey is different. With love, support and understanding each child has the ability to excel in their own way. I have learned to find the positive in my son's energetic spirit and cherish all parts of this journey we are taking together.